Some years ago on Facebook, I friended my favorite history professor from college.
She was kind enough to accept and even though I’m pretty certain she did not recall me from 30+ years ago, she traded some messages with me back and forth.
During one of our first exchanges I called her the only name I have ever called her, “Dr. Heidler.”
She responded to me saying, “Jason, please call me Jeanne.”
From that point on, I started all messages with, “Hi Jeanne,” even though I practically had to force my fingers to type those letters! It just felt horribly wrong to call her by her first name and the voice inside my head was still saying, “Dr. Heidler.”
I’ve thought about that a good bit since those exchanges. Why would I struggle so to call her by her first name, even though she asked me to? If I met her for the first time today on the campus of one of my clients I would certainly call her Jeanne without hesitation.
But, to me, even 30 years later, she is “Dr. Heidler.”
You’ve probably had a similar experience in your life. When you interact with someone from your earlier years who was an adult and you were not. But now you’re an adult, too.
The relationships we form when we are growing and maturing can sometimes get frozen in our psyche. Especially when that relationship is with someone (or even something) that is very important to us, like a college professor.
I call Jeanne, “Dr. Heidler,” because that is how I related to her way back then. And even though I’ve changed a ton since those days, that is how I still see her, even today.
This is an important concept for us to keep in mind when it comes to relating to donors.
I’ve listened as development professionals, institutional leaders, and others have frustratingly said things like,
“I don’t know why he won’t give more. Everyone knows he has far more wealth than his giving indicates. He says all the right things, shows up when we ask him to, but he just won’t give the way he could.”
Perhaps, that donor had a relationship with money – many decades ago – when he was just a young guy. Perhaps he was poor and he could never depend on money. And, while today it appears he has more than enough for his family’s future generations, perhaps, even today, he just can’t shake that old relationship to money.
I bet Jeanne would understand.